Pac-Man

Rodent’s own “pagettypol” asks what particular tunes define the life of Pac-Man. Get the playlist here.

The rising star: Good Times (Chic).  This reminds me of when I was just appearing on the scene – everything was so new, shiny and awesome and this was constantly on the radio and in the clubs. After a hard days gobbling, I liked nothing better than heading down to Sunset Strip and cutting some rug in the clubs until the sun came up the next morning. The ghosts would frequently come with me. All that animosity when we were working, it was all an act – we’re great pals really. I’m actually godfather to Binky’s kids.

Enter Ms Pac-Man: Bette Davis Eyes (Kim Carnes). In ’81, I was at the top of my game. I had it all: money, girls, 3 Lambourginis in the drive, it couldn’t get better. Something gnawed at the back of my mind, I couldn’t quite place it but at that point it didn’t quite matter (at least, that’s what I thought). Then in the summer, I was just hanging out on Venice Beach when I saw her – she was idly winding her way down the sidewalk on her roller skates. I got to tell you, I never seen anyone so beautiful as Nancy (she changed her name legally in ’82 to Ms Pac-Man). I practically fell over trying to get to her and talk. Within weeks, we were married in Vegas, honeymooning in Hawaii and making the beast with two backs in Laurel Canyon. I couldn’t have been happier, but all that was to change.

Pill addiction: Yah Mo Be There (James Ingram and Michael McDonald). By about ’84, my pill addiction had taken over. Nancy was becoming ever more distant – I blamed her not wanting children and we argued like mad, but I just couldn’t see it then as I do now. She played me from the start. All she was after was money this, money that, fur coat this, diamond that. I gave it to her of course, what else would I do – I as head over heels in love. As it became more obvious that she wasn’t, we grew apart. I threw myself into my work, doing double, triple the amount of pills that I could capably take. By the start of ’85, I weighed 490 pounds. Work started to slip off, and the only things my agent could get me were guest parts on Miami Vice and Murder She Wrote. I sometimes see reruns of those episodes on the retro channels – when I see myself on screen, I look into the eyes and see empty black holes.

Ill-advised investments: Gimme Shelter (The Rolling Stones). After those TV spots, work pretty much dried up, although I was still good for cash as those Pacman royalties just kept rolling in for the time being. I decided to relax a bit, but for me that meant the constant stream of pac pills and after a while a “good friend” of mine Donny introduced me to speedballs. With nothing to do, I just kept on guzzling whatever would get me through the day. Donny introduced me to a few business friends of his from out of town, who encouraged me to invest in property to avoid taxes which I merrily handed over without a second thought. These investors, I later discovered, were on less than friendly terms with their other clients, one of which happened to be Pablo Escobar – when they tried the same switcheroo on him they did on me, one was found in a suitcase in a Cuban parking lot, the other died in a hail of bullets in some Dade County motel shootout.

Involvement with a cult: Hurdy Gurdy Man (Donovan). After the inevitable messy divorce from Nancy, I was left massively in debt. My agent Roy managed to arrange a sale of all my remaining property which covered just about all of it, including his own fees. After that, I was left to fend for myself. The next few months were a blur, but I eventually found myself in a cult compound outside Ventura. I’ll give the Sons of the Universal Orbs their dues, they got me clean and fit again, although every April I always keep an eye over my shoulder in case the Giant One chooses this year to make his celestial appearance. Stupid I know, but old habits die hard.

A new life: Clair De Lune (Claude Debussy). I stayed for three years under the Sons protection, until I eventually felt strong enough to leave. I stayed in the Ventura area, not really knowing what to do. I picked up a temp job as a gardener just to get the money coming in, and then ended up staying and eventually running the company after Walt retired. I occasionally go to the reunions and conventions, it still amazes me people are still interested in us. Even more amazing is how much plastic surgery Donkey Kong has – he looks more and more like Kenny Rogers every time I see him. I stick this piece of music on the iPod when I’m walking the dog down on the beach in the evening, sometimes I just sit on the dunes and watch the clouds roll over the bay for a few hours and tune out.