Another reason to own a PS3...

Zeus, God of Gods, and Kratos, Spartan warrior, agree to hold peace talks on neutral territory – Hell – in front of a special delegation comprising Satan, Barack Obama and Robin Cousins. They arrive at the River Styx and jump onto the ferry.

Ferryman: Alright gents, where too?

Zeus: Hades please, Mohammed Karzai’s residence.

Ferryman: No worries. Lovely day innit? It was a bit overcast this mornin’, what with all those bodies falling out the sky, but by all accounts it’s gonna be a nice evening.

Zeus: Yes, it is very charming. I like what St. Lucifer has done with the place.

Ferryman: Ere, I had that Prometheus fella in the back of me skiff the other week.

Zeus: Yes? How is he?

Ferryman: Well to tell you the truth, he wasn’t feeling all that. Said some bald dude with chains on the end of his hands had just fucking torched ‘im. He was sitting in his chair, minding his old beeswax when this geezer lit him up. I mean, people these days, no fucking respect I say.

Kratos shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

Ferryman: He’s had to cover himself in calamine lotion, and the doctor’s told to stay out the sun.

Zeus: Well at least he can be consoled with the fact that there is not much sun in the netherworld.

Ferryman: Ha, you got that right guv’nor. Still, could have been worse. He could have ended up like that Ares chap. I mean, that was bang out of order if you ask me.

Zeus: By my holy beard, what happened?

Ferryman: He was on his way to bingo, proper dressed up like, when some cunt shot him down with a fuck off great big arrow. Made a right mess of his motor. Well as you might imagine, Ares was well miffed, and squares up to the bloke – who was also a slap head come to think of it – and tells him that he’s gonna have to pay up for the damage.

Zeus: And did he?

Ferryman: Did he fuck. And to make matters worse, he’s only gone and skull fucked him! Shoved his thumbs in his eye sockets, pulled his meat and two veg out, and given him both barrels.

Zeus: Who could commit such an abhorrent sin? What mis-begotten wretch dares to walk this earth that would even consider such an act against the Gods?

Kratos looks at the floor

Ferryman: …then there’s Poseidon. I mean some might say he ‘ad it coming. Not me mind, but there are people who had issues with the bloke, what with all his yapping and bitching about the ice caps melting and the polar bears pissing in his bed. But that don’t give no one the right to do what they did to him.

Zeus: Oh be tranquil my beating heart, this is too much! What happened?

Ferryman: Skull-fucked! Apparently his library book was late and some fella’s leapt over the counter and gave him a proper seeing to. Fucking blood, seaweed and library cards all over the shop. Anyway, here’s me rabbiting on, we’re ere already. Karzai’s gaff is up on the left, next door to Tony Blair’s place.

Zeus: Thank you Ferryman. Now how much do we owe you?

I love a good black cab, so I do. I've had a few celebrities inside as well.

Ferryman: I’m afraid that’s gonna be five rubies and a golden fleece.

Kratos: What the fuck? You’re ‘aving a laugh ain’t ya?

Ferryman: Sorry mate – fucking diesel prices innit. Then you’ve got river tax, national insurance…

Kratos: (unzipping his Spartan briefs) I’m not having that, come ‘ere.

Zeus: Kratos! NO!

God of War 3 then. Astonishing graphics, epic soundtrack, tried and tested gameplay. And quite violent.